


regard affectueux

by ErisedEloquence



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: M/M, am i just writing out my issues here?, but it's short and has a happy understanding ending?, it's literally tjeff being Me and not knowing how to deal with Feelings, it's not angsty or h/c, listen, oh well, overwhelmed thomas jefferson, that's literally the fic, this isn't even any specific tag i don't think?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-14
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-17 12:40:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9324026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErisedEloquence/pseuds/ErisedEloquence
Summary: Every look - loving, fond, lustful, adoring - James gave him, he can’t unsee them. And he doesn’t know what to do with this information.Because James never just looks at him in the normal loving way couples looked at each other. No, he looked at him like Thomas hung the moon and the stars. He looked at him like he’d rather chop off his arm than see Thomas upset. He looked at him like, if Thomas so desired, James would kill for him.He looked at him like Il était son monde, le sien tout, comme il ne peut pas vivre sans lui.---or the one where thomas really does not know how to deal with james loving him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> look. I wanted to write the touch starved laurens fic but... idek what this is.
> 
> I'm like 85% sure that I'm just working on my own issues in these fics...
> 
> like always, I tried with the tenses but I definitely fucked up. I tried my best for 12am writing in one sitting.
> 
> this is the stuff I do when my ptsd and anxiety get really bad lmao
> 
> enjoy!

Sometimes, Thomas just didn’t know why he even hung out with Lafayette. It wasn’t as if Laf ever did anything other than make fun of him, all the time, for everything. Sometimes when Thomas met up with him, he’d see the evil smirk on his face and would immediately be able to tell that the Frenchman had some dirt on him. Seriously, Thomas needed to stop telling shit to Laurens; the man always told Laf, for some reason. 

Thomas sighed, at least Laurens didn’t go blabbering on to Hamilton. 

Small miracles.

Back to the current topic of discussion Laf had picked. Thomas and James’ relationship.

“Laf, why the fuck do you even care?”

The other man looked insulted. “Am I not your friend?”

Sighing, Thomas nodded, “Of course you are, what does that have to do with anything?”

“Well, am I not allowed to be happy that _you’re_ happy, now?”

Great. Whenever Thomas tried to get any of his friends to back off, they’d guilt him. “I'm sorry, of course you are.”

Laf smirked. “Good. So can we talk about how I knew James was madly in love with you?”

“I don’t know, Laf.” Thomas said sarcastically, “was it when we started dating?”

He was expecting a nod or something equally in agreement, but instead, he got a fake-sad head shake, which only succeeded in confusing Thomas. Which. Probably what Laf was going for.

“Non.”

Thomas waited for a second, but Lafayette seemed content with drinking his coffee and staring at him with knowing eyes.

“Okay, I give. How’d you know?”

Lafayette smiled suddenly, and put his drink down. “The way he looks at you.”

“The way he… looks at me.”

“Oui.”

Thomas groaned, “For fuck’s sake, Laf, just explain it to me.”

Laf raised a perfect eyebrow, “what is the magic word?”

“Seriously?”

Feigning being deep in thought, Laf shook his head, “that is not the word, I'm afraid.”

Rolling his eyes, Thomas gave up. “ _Please._ ”

His friend clapped his hands and nodded approvingly. “That’s the word!” he leaned forward. “Madison looks at you in a way that is… god, it’s out of this world, Thomas.”

Thomas was hoping the explanation would, you know, actually _explain_ things, but he should’ve known better with Laf.

“I don’t get it. Like he loves me?”

Shaking his head, Laf looked slightly frustrated. “Non, darling. I mean that, too, but that is not The Look. It’s like whenever he looks at you, it feels like we are intruding? Like it is a deeply intimate and private moment? Even if it is only us sitting around and playing video games. Even if you and Alexander are arguing like usual. Merde, even when you and John flirt. And god help us if you laugh. He looks like he would rather he hold you close and never let go. He looks at you as if… as if… Vous êtes son monde, le sien tout, comme il ne peut pas vivre sans vous  
!” 

Laf is breathing deeply and his eyes have a wet sheen to them. Not like he’s about to cry, but like he’s far away, thinking of something else.

Thomas felt out of the loop - and it was his goddamn relationship they were talking about.

He knew about the looks. He knew James loved him. Thomas might question everything in his life, might have moments where nothing makes sense and everything feels like a lie, like a trick - but he has never doubted James’ feelings for him. 

Because that’s how soulmates worked; the love went both ways. And he knew that James was his soulmate.

He glances up at his friend and sees him furiously texting. From the look in his eyes, Thomas guessed Hercules was the recipient of those texts.

************

After that, it’s like Thomas can’t unsee it.

Every look - loving, fond, lustful, adoring - James gives him, he can’t not notice them. And he doesn’t know what to do with this information.

They’d be hanging out with their friends, Angelica would say something funny, and Thomas would laugh. But then he’d turn to look at James, and he’d see the look in his eyes, and the laughter would die in his throat. In its place, a blush would color his cheeks.

They’d be having a quiet movie night, just the two of them, and Thomas would turn to make some comment about a scene, but the words wouldn’t come out because James is already looking at him. And the look in his eyes? Makes Thomas speechless.

They’d be in bed, having sex ( _“making love, Thomas, we’re making love”_ ) and Thomas would have his eyes closed, would be lost in the sensations James always made him feel. And Thomas would think _‘how could this be any more overwhelmingly perfect?’_ and then he’d open his eyes and meet James’ and he’d get his answer. 

Because James never just looks at him in the normal loving way couples looked at each other. No, he looked at him like Thomas hung the moon and the stars. He looked at him like he’d rather chop off his arm than see Thomas upset. He looked at him like, if Thomas so desired, James would kill for him.

He looked at him like _Il était son monde, le sien tout, comme il ne peut pas vivre sans lui_.

************

Here’s the thing, Thomas loved James. He loved that they’d basically grown up together. He loved that James just seemed to know him; what he wants, needs, feels, without Thomas even having to tell him. Which worked out great, because Thomas hated asking for things, couldn’t bring himself to do so even if it was important. Yeah, Thomas was terrified of rejection, and it was amazing that James just seemed to _know._

Here’s the other thing. Thomas just did not know what to do with so much love directed his way.

He knew, obviously, that James loved him. They were soulmates, after all. But, ever since his talk with Lafayette, and he can’t seem to unsee just how much James loved him.

And it’s great, it’s honestly so very great that James loved him that much, because Thomas loved him just as much, if not more. 

He feels shitty overthinking this. But. well. Thomas did not know how to deal with this.

No one was asking him to do anything. But his heart couldn’t stop racing any time he was around James. Any time he was so much as thinking about his boyfriend. He tried calming it down, but it just went faster and faster until Thomas felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest. Until he had to put his palm over his heart and press down. 

And his mind? He hadn’t noticed just how wholly James had taken over his thoughts until now, until he actually focused on it. But fuck, it’s like his thoughts are on a constant loop of _James James I love him James would James like that oh I should get that for James love love love James James James James James James--_

So yes, maybe this shouldn’t be this big a deal, but Thomas couldn’t stop feeling panicky.

************

Eliza had gotten engaged, and like the good friends they were, they were throwing her a party.

It wasn’t a huge thing, just their group of friends, plus Eliza’s fiance. But even with the twelve of them, it wasn’t a quiet affair. 

They’d decided on Lafayette and Hercules’ house, given that it is the largest, and that the rest of them were not planning on cleaning after the party. The music was so loud Thomas couldn’t hear his own thoughts - a good thing - and there was so much food and drinks you’d think it was a party for at least a hundred more people.

Since he knew not drinking would raise questions, and if he drank around James he was going to blab about everything he was thinking and feeling and then James would be protective and sweet and Thomas just needed space to breathe - god he was a mess… knowing all that, Thomas cornered Laurens the second he arrived and, squeezing the life out of his wrist, begged him _“please please please keep me away from James and Laf tonight, please”_ and like the incredible friend he is, Laurens agreed. He might’ve been confused - and worried since James and Thomas were inseparable - but he would stand by his friends no matter what.

So, it was nearing eleven at night, the party was in full swing, people were dancing and drinking and laughing. Everyone was having fun. Except for Thomas. 

He wanted to enjoy himself, and Laurens definitely kept James and Laf away from him, but while Laf gave up on talking to Thomas three drinks in, James didn’t seem to be on the same train of thought. Thomas could see the worried looks James kept throwing his way, and he slowly drowned in guilt. By eleven, he was fully submerged and couldn’t breathe normally.

Laurens, bless him, had seen how intent Thomas was on getting drunk, and so had decided it would do him well to stay sober. Well, Laurens had seen how everyone was getting crazy drunk and, while he’s never the sober one, it seems everyone had decided for him this time.

“Jefferson, maybe you should slow down…” Laurens helped the inebriated man take a seat at the dining table.

Thomas sat down, dragging Laurens in his lap. “But then I’d have to _think_ and… and _feel!_ ”

Sighing, Laurens just patted Thomas’ head on his shoulder, “that’s what normal human beings do. Which, I realize as I say it, you surprisingly are!”

“But.” Thomas whispered, “he loves me _so much._ ”

Frowning in confusion, Laurens turned fully in Thomas’ lap to face him, “you’re talking about Madison?”

“Who else?”

“Good point.” Laurens went back to patting the drunk man’s head. “Is it a bad thing that he loves you?”

Shaking his head in the sloppy way only drunks managed, Thomas pouted, “no. but he loves me _a lot_ , Laurens, like he gives me looks a lot! Laf said!”

Laurens rolled his eyes. “So this is Laf’s fault. Of course it is.” he tilted Thomas’ head up to meet his eyes, “wanna tell me what Laf said?”

Still pouting, Thomas mumbled, “Je suis son monde, le sien tout, il ne peut pas même vivre sans moi.”

He was surrounded by people who could speak the language, but Laurens was still not as fluent, “wanna maybe say that again in English?”

“You’re intruding and it’s private and intimate, even when it’s not, Laurens, what am I supposed to do?”

Laurens knew that was not the translation. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, can you tell me what you said in French, though?”

“French?”

Laurens made a silent vow to never be around drunk people while sober ever again. “Yes, what did Laf tell you?”

“He said Jemmy looked at me like I'm his world.”

“He definitely does that.” Laurens agreed, still confused.

“Like I'm his everything…”

Still confused. “That, too.”

“Like he can’t fucking live without me, Laurens.”

Sighing in defeat, Laurens accepted that maybe this was just drunken talk. But then, that didn’t explain why Thomas wanted to be kept away from his boyfriend. Or Laf. 

That thought gave Laurens an idea. He disentangled himself from, the now whining, Thomas, and looked around for Lafayette. The Frenchman was always talkative when drunk, more than when he was sober.

Locating him dancing with Theodosia on the other side of the room, Laurens turned back to Thomas. “I'm gonna go for a tiny second, think you can stay here on your own?”

“Noooo, don’t go!”

His heart unable to just leave the drunk man, Laurens met Alex’s unfocused, drunk eyes, and waved him over. The man stumbling over happily,

“John! Baby! I love you so much!”

Giggling a little at Alex’s attempts to kiss him, Laurens pulled him to Thomas and sat him in his lap. “Can you two cuddle for a minute while I go talk to someone?”

He left before getting an answer. Surprisingly, while sober Thomas and Alex argued every time they were in the same room - and sometimes when they’re not; they still called each other to argue when they felt like it -, drunk Thomas and Alex just liked to cuddle. Each other. They still refused to accept it when their friends told them they did that. The two kept saying their friends were just saying that to mess with them. Obviously, everyone had photographic proof, but none had shown the two. It was their little secret.

Getting to the dancing man, Laurens grabbed Lafayette’s shoulder, turning him around to meet him. “Hey, Laf!”

“Laurens! Are you having fun?”

Nodding, Laurens didn’t try to stop the still-dancing Lafayette. “So much! You throw the best parties.”

“I do, don’t I?”

Humming in agreement, Laurens glanced back to check on the cuddling duo, then focused on Laf again. “Can you tell me something, though?”

“Anything!” Laf nodded enthusiastically, trying to spin him.

Laurens rolled his eyes, but allowed Lafayette to spin him. “What did you say to Jefferson about Madison? Something about their relationship or their love or something? He said something about a look?”

“Oh my god, yes!” Laf finally stopped dancing. “I told him about The Look, you know the one James gives him? Well, it’s a lot more than one look, but it all goes in the category of James being obsessed with him!”

Frowning, Laurens thought about it for a second. “Wait. are you talking about that thing you keep telling everyone? The ‘we should leave, this is a private moment’ thing you say every time they look at each other?”

“Oui!” Laf, clearly having lost interest in the conversation, turned back to dancing with Theodosia and, now, Hercules.

Laurens looked longingly at the various drinks lying around and just really wanted to drink all of them. He’d rather be dancing drunkenly with Laf and Herc than playing couple’s therapist. He felt guilt as soon as the thought entered his brain. He didn’t mean it, he just knew that Jefferson and Madison were going to figure it out on their own and he was wasting a good opportunity to get drunk.

He still sighed and went back to his boyfriend and friend cuddling. Might as well do something good since it’s too late for him to get drunk now.

He paused near the two, smiling at their mumbled words.

“Your hair is so soft, ham.”

“You’re so cuddly like a teddy bear, tom.”

Shaking his head, he interrupted them. “How are you two holding up?”

“Johnny!” Alex cried and made grabby hands at him. “I'm cuddling with tom and we wanna nap soon.”

At that, Thomas pouted, “I wanna nap with Jemmy though.”

Laurens felt a pang of hope; maybe Thomas would finally go to James and Laurens could cuddle his boyfriend. But one look around crushed that hope; James was passed out on the couch.

Well…. Maybe….

“Jefferson, look at that! Madison is sleeping on the couch, how about you go cuddle him?”

Thomas frowned, “but, the feelings?”

Shaking his head, Laurens widened his eyes. “He’s sleeping, isn’t he? He can’t talk to you when he’s sleeping!”

It was a very tense moment while Thomas contemplated his words, and Alex just got up and wrapped himself around Laurens.

And then a quiet, “okay. I really miss him.”

Laurens nodded, smiling reassuringly - he hoped so anyway - and ushered him off. Sighing in relief once he saw Thomas carefully, as a drunk man, cuddle up to Madison and close his eyes. 

He then turned to the short man wrapped around him. “Wanna go find a guest room and sleep?”

************

Waking up somewhere other than his home will never not be disorienting and confusing as fuck. So Thomas took a deep breath and thought ‘I'm at Laf and Herc’s. I got drunk last night, hence the headache. Laurens was awesome. I am now on the couch with Jemmy. Fuck. here’s hoping he doesn’t ask anything. But maybe if he does…. We can fix this and move on. But what even is “this” anyway? Jemmy will definitely know and know how to fix it.’

“Jemmy?” he whispered, not wanting to wake up his boyfriend, but wanting to check.

A groan before, “morning, baby.”

Fuck. he will not get through the impending talk without crying if James kept calling him baby. 

“We’re on the couch.” he says uselessly.

James chuckled. “I gathered that, yeah. How are you feeling?”

“Eh, the usual hungover stuff.”

He felt James nod, “yeah, me too. It was a fun party, even though it definitely would’ve been better if you and I were actually around each other.”

He didn’t say it in any particularly mean way, just conversationally, pointing out a fact. Thomas knew that, but he still flinched. “Yeah. sorry about that.”

“It’s alright. I knew you needed your space.” he shifted a little on the couch. “Wanna tell me why you needed it?”

“Um, yeah.” 

James didn’t say anything, just hummed to let him know he was waiting, but Thomas didn’t know how to say it. It wasn’t as if he knew what the fuck the problem was in the first place, he just knew it was overwhelming. But how does he even being to explain that.

Sighing, he decided to just go for it. James was going to get it anyway.

“Remember when I went out with Laf like two weeks ago?” he waits until he can feel James nodding. “Well. he insisted on telling me how he knew you and I were meant to be, even though I definitely did not ask him. And well. I don’t know how to explain it-- can we sit up?”

James startled but slowly got up, and the two sat facing each other, bed hair and all.

“Thanks.” Thomas quickly leaned forward and kissed his boyfriend. “Here’s the thing. Laf said that you looked at me a certain way and ever since then, I haven’t been able to look at you without seeing The Look. yeah, capital letters and all. And it wasn’t a big deal at first, it was just one of those things you find out about but don’t really know what to do with the information.” he knew he was rambling, could tell from the fond look in James’ eyes, but he couldn’t stop.

“But then I started thinking about just _how much_ you loved me, and I totally love you the same amount, more maybe.” he rolled his eyes at James’ _‘no way’_ but ignored it. “I mean, we’re soulmates, right? And obviously that means we love each other a lot. But being aware of that and actually consciously and subconsciously _knowing_ that? Two very different things, Jemmy!”

James flushed happily at ‘soulmates’, then bit his lip. “I don’t get it, is that a bad thing?”

Thomas’ eyes widened and he shuffled closer. “No way! No! That’s the thing; I _know_ it’s not a bad thing, but it’s like I'm always thinking about how much I love you, and I didn’t know how completely you’d invaded my mind before, but now it’s like…” he shrugged, eyes still wide.

“Well, I feel the same way.” James smiled, “and I still have no idea what the problem is…?”

Huffing, Thomas took James’ hand, absently playing with his fingers. “It’s overwhelming. Before, I was aware that you loved me and that’s it. But now. Now I look at you and I can _see_ you practically screaming it at every second. And, I fucking love that, but. It’s a lot. And I don’t think it’s a lot in a bad way. But it’s still overwhelming.”

Hesitating, James frowned. “So. you don’t mind me loving you, but it feels like a lot. Okay.” he breathed out. “We can work with that.” he leaned forward and kissed Thomas. “The most important thing to me right now is, you do know why you’re feeling this way, right?”

Thomas pouted, nodding, “yeah, unfortunately.” but didn’t go on.

“Humor me and tell me?”

Rolling his eyes, Thomas relented. “‘Cause I've never actually let anyone in, so I've never let anyone love me so I'm not sure how to deal with this.”

“Smart man.”

“Shut up.”

James used the hand in Thomas’ to pull him closer. “And you do know that if you ever get overwhelmed, you can just step back and take a moment alone to breathe? You know I'm completely okay with that, right? So long as you come back.”

“I'll always come back, Jemmy. Where else would I wanna go?”

James smiled, shrugging. “You and Laurens seem to be getting close.” he teased.

“Please…” Thomas rolled his eyes. “I may joke that Hamilton is tiny but he would literally kill me if I ever made a real move on his boyfriend.”

“That totally works!” James pulled Thomas the rest of the way into his lap, “because I'll kill Laurens if he ever makes a real move on you!”

“Oh, how sad for me, I guess… you’re gonna go to jail soon.” 

James didn’t verbally respond, just placed his hand on the back of his boyfriend’s neck and kissed the feigned look of sadness off his face.

**Author's Note:**

> translations, tho beware that I do not speak any french, I took chinese instead 'cause college and stuff:
> 
> \- Vous êtes son monde, le sien tout, comme il ne peut pas vivre sans vous = you are his world, his everything, like he can't live without you.  
> \- Il était son monde, le sien tout, comme il ne peut pas vivre sans lui = he was his world, his everything, he can't live without him.  
> \- Je suis son monde, le sien tout, il ne peut pas même vivre sans moi = I'm his world, his everything, he can't even live without me.  
> \- regard affectueux (the title) = affectionate look.
> 
> *******
> 
> I did my very best not to make this a mental illness fic lmao but this is definitely the feeling my depressed and anxious ass has with emotions and love so. I'm using tjeff as a vessel to channel things...
> 
> I have an idea for either a jamilton or a lams fic involving philip, school, and teachers but I'm not sure which to write for, if you have any preference, hmu on tumblr at the same name!
> 
> also, honestly, if anyone wants to be a sounding board? I'd appreciate it! not to beta or anything, just to listen to my ideas and tell me if the pairings go or which would fit better!
> 
> Again, tumblr @ ErisedEloquence


End file.
